SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO — The first pool I remember was the one I fell into as a small child. It was at an apartment complex that my young parents lived in. I recall falling in, opening my eyes, and seeing the color of the water and the reflection of sunlight shimmering in my field of vision. My mother pulled me out of the water. I was around four years old. Eventually I became a good enough swimmer and spent the summers of my childhood and adolescence in any pool I could find.

My parents were divorced by the time I was eight years old and I spent every other weekend with my dad. Back then he lived in apartment complexes; some of which had pools. My father would let my brother and I play for hours. And during the winter he would take us to hotels that had indoor pools. These stays helped us avoid the sense of loss.  

My father’s business endeavours were prone to sudden changes. When times were good, he lived in luxurious homes; the best ones had pools. But when the tides would turn, the moves came abruptly. There were 11 homes in 10 years. And sometimes the pools went dry. 

I came to learn that the presence of a pool was a distraction from how impermanent things actually were. Underneath, there loomed an impending sense that everything could be lost. Stable could quickly become unstable, and suddenly we were in over our heads. Yet the pool was always seductive. There was a comfort in the stillness of its waters, albeit a calm that couldn’t be trusted. 

Now, I look at pools as windows into my past, and insights into my present. Beyond their surfaces, the depths of my discoveries are seemingly infinite.

Last year I went to Yale to study my MFA program. When I arrived in New Haven, everyone told me it was not safe to take photos outside in New Haven at night. I also was afraid as I had received some emails from the police station about crimes in New Haven.

I always run back home at night. When I open the door of my house, I take a deep breath. 

Then I lay down on the bed and have no energy to turn on the light. 

I just watch the natural light come through the windows. Then I feel calm. These moments remind me of my childhood in a small village in China. 

My grandparents raised me as my parents had to move to the city to earn money for me. Thirty years ago, Chinese people were so poor that my grandparents never turn on the lights at night. They just wanted to save some money. But I was a boy full of curiosity. 

So I would always try to find some interesting things to witness at night such as the beauty of the firefly or the beauty of the moonlight.

I want to explore the glow of the night time light and rebuild our ability to find this kind of beauty and mysteriousness at night.